Jay Chanoine

Comedian & Pessimist

16,789,435 Dirty Looks Produced

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An Interesting Way To Ask For Juice

  • By: jaychanoine
  • Posted: Jan 29, 2012 @ 03:13pm

The year was 1991. I was excited. Having recently discarded my kindergarten-overalls for a pair of big-boy-pants, I found myself at the dawn of a new era. Public school had arrived. Having a September birthday had stifled my ambition (which then declined steadily every year following this one), if I were put into first grade I would be turning six while everyone else was turning seven and thus would forever be a year behind my classmates. So the decision was made to put me into "Readiness". From what I understand about it, "Readiness" is this educational purgatory that falls between kindergarten and first grade, and is a place where you go when you're too young, dumb, angry or abused-by-your-alcoholic-parent-or-legal-guardian to function with real blossoming members of society. A bit of a setback when your aspiration is to be a mad scientist bent on world domination, but the first day of school was exciting nonetheless. Before entering my new class, I had been warned by rumors. There was a kid in my class who was very misbehaved. He was known to hit, kick, throw chairs, scream, spit and generally cause all types of boo-boos and owies. But like every good made for TV storyline, his tugged at your heartstrings. It wasn't his fault that he showed all the signs of a future repeat offender of some/many kinds, he had a rough upbringing and at the time of this story was living in a car with his parents. Breaks your heart, doesn't it? It shouldn't. Kid was a prick.

I got through the first half of the day successfully keeping to myself and away from the aforementioned maker of trouble. Then came lunch and beyond my control who should next to me at the table, but little Johnny Cardweller. I didn't like the idea of eating a meal next to this specimen, but I was ready to handle the situation like an adult and just completely ignore his existence. Then it happened. I'm a few bites into my sandwich and everyone's favorite derelict (who did not have a beverage with him) taps me on the shoulder and asks what's in my thermos. Not sure, I take a sip and inform him that it's fruit punch. He asks if he can have some and I say no. Allow me to defend myself. My mother had told me about germs. I was not petrified of them like she was, but I was aware enough to not go digging through garbage or swimming in sewage and I figured that if anyone in my class had germs it had to be the kid whose home needed an oil change. I continued to eat my lunch only to be disrupted AGAIN with another request for a sampling of my precious punch. Again, denied. Nearing the end of my meal, I was struggling to open my snack sized pack of Oreo's when I felt the sharp pain of a filthy set of misbehaved teeth clamping down upon my right earlobe. The little shit bit me. I cried. I think his teeth might have been worn down from decay into the shapes of fangs because I swear that chomp came from something part reptilian. The culprit was suspended from school for a week. Suspended. On the first day. Of READINESS. Can you think of a better first chapter for the saddest story ever told?

Since that day I have been angry many times and at many people. I have yelled, screamed, cursed and fumed but NEVER has the thought even entered my brain "I should bite this guy's ear". I'm not mad about this anymore but the mystery still plagues my thoughts. What was the plan here? Was the intent to bite so hard that you break the skin and hope that my blood has soaked up some the fruit juicy flavor from my beverage? Or perhaps in his home/automobile ear biting was an acceptable activity amongst friends? I've never figured it out. So if you're out there, Johnathon Earbiter, let's meet up and talk about the good old days. I'll tell you how within the week that you were suspended I got bumped up to first grade and never saw you again. You can tell me how that was the first time you got to taste the savory flavor of human flesh and have since refused to eat anything else. Just as a precaution, I'd rather we didn't meet for lunch. Let's get some coffee. You can even have a sip of mine. I'll bring antibiotics in case you still have germs.

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