The Empire Smokes Crack : A Press Release
- Posted: Jun 22, 2013 @ 12:59pm
(DISCLAIMER: I do not work for any company mentioned here in any capacity, nor have I ever. This is a work of fiction and is not to be taken seriously or even looked at for extended periods of time.)
It is the dawn of a new era. The internet, social networking sites and crowd funding have revolutionized the relationship between product and consumer. Small projects find their audiences faster and new visionaries are discovered every day. The masses have shown a desire to be directly involved with the funding and production of media and entertainment that appeals to them, and corporate businesses have become aware of this.
That's why we here at Disney are thrilled to announce that the highly anticipated Star Wars: Episode VII will be funded...
BY THE MOST MOTHERFUCKING EPIC MOTHERFUCKING KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN OF ALL MOTHERFUCKING TIME. Yes, we have money. Lots of it. We could afford to make this movie twelve times with cameras made of solid gold. But why should we have to do that? If Star Wars fans have made anything clear over the last several decades, it's that they love to spend money. On really stupid shit. How stupid? There's an action figure of Malakili the Rancor trainer, whose only role in the franchise is to be fat, dirty and sad four about nine seconds of screen time. It sold billions. Hell, so did the re-release of Phantom Menace and everybody hates that movie. Lucas sure gave you guys some kind of screwed up Stockholm syndrome where you throw money at everything he does and then blog about how it sucks. We here at Disney are glad to be your new captors. We know that no matter how much he pisses you off, you follow his every breath religiously. And that man is now being worn by everyone’s favorite cartoon mouse as his own personal cock-puppet. (Editor's Note: Heh-heh. Cock-puppet,)
But enough about the motivation behind this brilliant decision. Let's get to what you care about: what's in it for you? In order to ensure that everyone gets a chance to contribute, we've set our fundraising goal at eleven billion dollars. We know what you're thinking. "But the movie will actually cost a small fraction of that! What will the remaining money be used for?" The answer is cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine. You simply have not lived until you've shoved your head into a Storm Trooper helmet full of blow.
Pledge just $100 and your name will appear in the credits of the film! In a section marked "These people managed to toss a few pennies toward the franchise that they supposedly love. Thanks a lot, dickheads." For $200 your name will appear in a slightly larger font.
$300 - Jar Jar sticker.
$400 - Action figure of Malakili the Rancor Trainer.
For $500, Darth Vader will come to your house and tell you he's your father, causing your dad to scream "I knew it!" and file for a divorce. Pledge $750 and he'll also cut your hand off.
Pledge $1,000 and we will splice a single frame of your genitalia somewhere in the theatrical release. "Oh, really? Your name's in the credits? My dick's in the cantina scene!"
$10,000 gets you a copy of Lego Star Wars the video game for the PlayStation 2 home entertainment system.
Pledge $25,000 and somebody involved with the film will send you a picture of the cocaine they bought with your money. It will probably be in Storm Trooper helmet.
$50,000 - Rebel Alliance Panini press.
$100,000 - The Ewok Adventure on VHS cassette.
Let's cut the bullshit. For one million dollars you join us on our life-sized, fully functional Death Star and you get to push the button, 'cuz we're gonna BLOW UP PLUTO! Let's be honest, you're going to hate this movie. You hate everything. So why not get to blow some shit up?
In short, we don't need you. We don't care if you like the movie. We're Disney and we've got an army of employees in adorable costumes of our beloved characters. If you mess with us, we will find you and this precious horde will rain fuzzy doom upon you and everyone you know. Don't let Piglet fool you, he'll rip you to pieces.
We look forward to taking all of you in as private investors and making the best Star Wars film ever. I mean, doing cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine.